He Says:
So, when is the point were a man can lay down the law with his “soon to be” step-children?
I’ll start by saying that all 4 of Her kids are incredible. I love them all to death. I love the way She parents and feel that she has done a great job raising them.
That being said…I guess I am kind of torn and on the fence for several reasons. (Please bear with me on this cuz I’m guessing that you will get confused.)
I am not, yet, their step father.
I, in several ways, have differing (from Her) reactions to things the kids do and say.
When asked something by one of them, I often say… "Let me run that by Mama.”
I really don’t want to have to do that for the basic stuff…but She is their mother.
I have lived with them for more than 2 years. I will be marrying her….someday soon. I am introduced, by them, as step dad, parent or …future step dad.
I am here for them every day (groceries, preparing meals, tucking in at night, helping with homework, making lunches, going to school events, etc.)
Why do I not feel comfortable making final decisions? Why can’t I feel that it is OK to say “NO”? Why do I feel that She should do the grounding and punishments?
One part of me thinks that it is for selfish reasons…I still feel that I want/need them to like, love, accept me…and I don’t want to do or say anything to make them not like me. But then again…I am the man in the house and will only be treated as one if I act like one. I’ve made it very clear to the kids that I, in no way, want to or am trying to take the place of their dad. I want them to ALWAYS see him as their Father.
Shit.. I am starting to confuse myself.
Even the other day, Kid 3 asked if she could go to a friend’s house to watch a movie, just for a few hours. I said “sure” and offered her a ride. Then, Kid 3 turned to me and said, “should we go find Mama to tell her…and see if it is ok?” I looked at Kid 3 and said to her, “No. I said that you could go…so you can. I will tell your mom exactly where you are.” She smiled and we got on our way.
It was no big thing but it made me think…about me, my position here and how we will accept each other when our responses to the children differ.
I guess that I am stuck because I want to be a parent to them, but do not want to over step my bounds. I have been strict about some things, but have NEVER disciplined (grounded, yelled at, etc.) any of them. Not that I want to…but I do want to be comfortable that I can if needed.Damn I am lost!
She Says: Parenting is hard enough, but being a step parent is painful! Please, babe, step in and parent those kids like they are your blood. I feel the same way when His kids come over, they are younger though so it seems a little easier. On the other hand, I'm a little timid because His Ex is psycho, so I watch what I say. Anyone else have step-parenting advice?? Or troubles?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
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5 Tale Commenters:
That is a tough gig, I have no first hand knowledge to help you. It would seem that the main thing would be her backing you in front of them (which I'm sure she does) I think that the only way to do it would be for the parents to discuss and be one on their thoughts on reward/punishment and then stand behind one another in decisions, and then parent like they are your blood.
She would also need to make it perfectly clear that your say is equal to hers and they should always do as instructed by you because instruction from either of you is equal.
Thats my 2 pennies.
I would like to congratulate the gentleman who wrote in for thinking so thoroughly about the feeling of his step children. I have a step father and we did not get on growing up for many reasons but overall he is a good man. The whole step-family situation can be a tough one.
I think he is doing a great job and should continue to do as he is doing. For the big stuff he should always consult with mom.
I also would like to commend him for knowing his place and giving their father his place in their life. That is one thing my step-father always did and I am grateful for that.
I say step "pun intended" right on in. My hubby would agree. We have been together since my eldest was 8months old and he has acted like his father from the beginning. Granted the Monster's real dad is very involved, but him and the hubby are also close and so it was easy for him to say, discipline my kid, he needs it.
If you have been together that long and you have good and honorable intentions, take the reins. She surely appreciates the help and the kids will be glad to know where you stand and what goes and does not go.
Just my opinion though, like it matters.
a though spot I really hope I am never put in...
I have no good advice, not being in the situation you're in, but it sounds like you two work as a team and should parent that way. As you already seem to do. And they seem to all accept him, right?
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